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Kevin Hogan
Network 3000 Publishing
3432 Denmark #108
Eagan, MN 55123
(612) 616-0732

Yeah...But Not with YOU...
Rejection: Making the Pain Go Away

by Kevin Hogan

Page 2

"The Words I'm not saying are, 'You're Worthless!'"

rejection hurts 4. Giving Up

You surrender to the rejection. You give in to the fact that this person has won and there is no more fight from you.

5. Denying That Rejection Has Occurred

"Oh, it was really nothing. I'm probably just imagining it."

The delusional/denial response can certainly can take some of the sting out, but how will this response play out in the future?

6. Derogating The Source Of Rejection

You belittle or humiliate the one who rejected you. This is similar to revenge played out in a less "physical" fashion. They reject you and you make sure that they are taken down publicly and painfully. It's only words, or Facebook, after all....but this really comes back to

7. Distancing Oneself From His Or Her Rejecter

You distance yourself, preventing additional loss of Self-esteem or Self-worth that comes from repeated exposure to this person. Given the choice of fight or flight, you leave.

8. Pessimistic Reaction: "I must be flawed."

You decide that something must be wrong with you to make the rejecter reject you. Right or wrong, you interpret that the rejecter's point of view is the correct one.

Kevin Hogan on Overcoming Rejection 9. Highlighting One's Positive Qualities To Counter The Rejection

You make yourself look good to others to make the rejection look like it was minimal or nothing.

10. Becoming Defensive Or Even Aggressive

Verbally fighting back, getting physical or even worse, acts of violence.

11. Spending More Time Alone

You seek solitude where there is no possibility of rejection.

OK those are the responses and reactions to rejection. Now how should we REALLY FIX rejection? It's gotta be true, right?

They rejected you, so you feel and almost know that you have no value. You didn't even get a CHANCE!

For the moment, let's just say they are wrong and you are right.

Now, you have an interesting problem. If they are wrong and you are right, you are compelled to prove your point to them. You want to show that you are a bargain at 10 times the price. That's what happens if you think you are right. This is actually a good sign for your future, because it means you have some measure of self-worth.

Don't confuse self-worth with what parents have told their kids for the last two decades. People really aren't great until they are great. Telling them they are great at the wrong time can really screw things up for kids.

We've told kids they are great, when they are in fact average. We've sugar-coated everything when sugar perhaps wasn't necessary or desirable. Question is, did all that help or hurt the individual's opinion of themselves?

My guess is that it helps until they fail over and over. Had they been focusing on competence they'd be failing a lot less often.

Shift back to rejection and self-worth.

The research shows that people with low self-worth use the 11 strategies more often than those with higher self-worth. That's because the above strategies are defense mechanisms. They are instinctive and are designed to protect the Self.

Defense Mechanisms

Defense mechanism are behaviors we adopt to ward off pain, in this case.

For people who are sensitive, rejection can be a long-lasting and traumatic experience. What causes sensitivity? Rejection and long-lasting and traumatic experiences. When you see the sensitive person you know what their life has been like. No rocket science required.

Even people who have a healthy sense of self worth still experience rejection from time to time. You look at them and think that they could never feel the pain of rejection, but they do.

However, rejection is much more debilitating to those with lower self-worth.

And people who are rejected more and more obviously tend to have lower self-worth. It is a truly vicious circle and not easy to break.

Thus, our salespeople hear "no" often and develop beliefs about themselves that more often than not aren't very helpful. Their self worth generally (but not always) goes down into a deep well.

This isn't true for all salespeople, but it is for most.

Research indicates that the following are ways that people with lower self-worth internalize rejection (or even the fear of rejection) to magnify the already intense power of rejection:

  • They fear the mere thought of rejection more than a person with a higher self worth.

    Kevin Hogan on Confidence and Overcoming Rejection

  • They view the rejection as a direct personal hit. It's proof that there is something terribly wrong with them.

  • They feel that since they have been rejected once, they are likely to be rejected by everyone else.

  • They are more likely to avoid social activities where they think the possibility of rejection exists.

  • They might imagine that rejection has occurred, when it actually hasn't.

  • They instantly take on the blame for the rejection as if they have done something wrong or something to deserve the rejection.

  • They are more likely to feel more pain and humiliation from the rejection.

  • They are more likely to expect rejection in day-to-day situations.
When your self-worth is low, you tend to deny your internal monitor and avoid attempting to do the things you need to do in order to fit in. You tend to allow rejection to further deplete your tank of self-worth without stopping to fill up again.

Self-worth helps fight rejection, but there is something much more powerful than self-worth....

The question, then, you have to ask is...:

What is this super hero power, and what do you do with it?:

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Kevin Hogan
Network 3000 Publishing
3432 Denmark #108
Eagan, MN 55123
(612) 616-0732

Photos appear under license with istockphoto/courtneyk and istockphoto/iqoncept.

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