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Kevin Hogan
Network 3000 Publishing
3432 Denmark #108
Eagan, MN 55123
(612) 616-0732

"Not with YOU..."
Defeating Rejection

by Kevin Hogan

They made it to my suite. They had told me they wanted my advice about a new business project.

It turned out not to be anything of the sort.

They wanted me in their down line selling a product I would essentially never use myself.

I like all of these people. They simply didn't understand that pitching someone in their hotel suite under a disguised pretense is not how you run a real business.

I had to say, "no."

I hate saying, "no," but I have to as much as anyone, especially when the request makes no sense.

They left very disappointed and after the door closed, I imagine they expressed anger.

They had been rejected. It's hard to express anything but anger when it happens right next to another person.

I felt bad for them that I had to say "no."

Face to face rejection is one of the most difficult of life experiences.

One of the reasons Internet Marketing is so popular is that rejection just doesn't hurt in Cyberspace like it does face to face.

In the real world, rejection hurts.

Body language: Stop. istockphoto/ilkeryuksel

Responding to the pain of rejection is as natural to us as responding to the pain of a cut or burn.

It is instantaneous. Unfortunately, you can heal 50 cuts and burns in the time it takes to get past one personal rejection.

The brain registers both rejection and "physical pain," in pretty much the same way. For all intents and purposes, there is no difference except the duration of rejection can be almost never ending where physical pain tends to heal pretty quickly.

Now, stop and think for a second:

After the instant reaction of pain, what happens next is fight, freeze or flight.


You hurt. You run, you freeze, or you defend.

10 Actions People to Defend against the Pain of Rejection

Some of these are brilliant strategies. Some are dangerous and unwise. Use those that do no harm to others and help you get stronger.

Print this page of the article out on paper and then LITERALLY circle the ones that resonate most closely with you. (Or, just read the thing and let it do you virtually no good, either is fine...) You'll come back to this later; and you'll be making some changes...

1. Searching for Clarity

You want to find out what you've done. You want to understand why you have been rejected so that you can fix it. "Tell me what I did so I can fix it and I won't do it again, I promise."

Here's the way this manifests:

  • "What did I do wrong?"
  • "What did I say?"
  • "Is it because I'm not good looking?"
  • "Is it because there is someone else?"
  • "Is it because you already have another provider for your insurance?"

2. Seeking Forgiveness

"I'm sorry, please forgive me, it won't happen again, I promise...I will make it up to you..." For most, this is your natural response to make everything return to normal - hoping the feelings of profound pain will soon vanish.

This one manifests in many different scenarios as well:

  • "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to offend you...give me another chance..."
  • "I didn't mean that, please understand..."
  • "I'm sorry you misunderstood what I was saying..."
  • "Please don't hold this against me..."

3. Defensive Ostracism

Since they have hurt you, you will conspire to get rid of them. It can be as simple as booting them out of YOUR circle of friends. The reaction/response can be more complicated stuff like getting them fired or things you really shouldn't do because they fall deep into the vengeance territory. Tit for Tat.

Your profound pain will now be equalized. They shot you now you will shoot back. Problems do happen when they use weapons as opposed to words. But always remember that rejection is PROFOUND PAIN and that you should always anticipate profound pain in return for issuing profound pain.

Point of Self Realization: Revenge doesn't make your pain reduce, but it gives you a sense of justice. Therefore the pain persists but inflicting pain equal to what you just received assures the other person understands what they did to you.

Now write this down. In the next series of articles I will show you specifically how to get revenge without doing damage of any kind to the other person. Justice helps begin the healing of rejection.

Those are three of the most common categories of reaction to rejection, but you'll recognize these, as well...

4. Giving Up

You surrender to the rejection. You give in to the fact that this person has won and there is no more fight from you.

5. Denying That Rejection Has Occurred

"Oh, it was really nothing. I'm probably just imagining it."

The delusional/denial response can certainly can take some of the sting out, but how will this response play out in the future?

6. Derogating The Source Of Rejection

You belittle or humiliate the one who rejected you. This is similar to revenge played out in a less "physical" fashion. They reject you and you make sure that they are taken down publicly and painfully. It's only words, or Facebook, after all....but this really comes back to

7. Distancing Oneself From His Or Her Rejecter

You distance yourself, preventing additional loss of Self-esteem or Self-worth that comes from repeated exposure to this person. Given the choice of fight or flight, you leave.

8. Pessimistic Reaction: "I must be flawed."

You decide that something must be wrong with you to make the rejecter reject you. Right or wrong, you interpret that the rejecter's point of view is the correct one.

Kevin Hogan on Overcoming Rejection 9. Highlighting One's Positive Qualities To Counter The Rejection

You make yourself look good to others to make the rejection look like it was minimal or nothing.

10. Becoming Defensive Or Even Aggressive

Verbally fighting back, getting physical or even worse, acts of violence.

11. Spending More Time Alone

You seek solitude where there is no possibility of rejection.

OK those are the responses and reactions to rejection. Now how should we REALLY FIX rejection?

The Rejection Fix: Page | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 |

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Kevin Hogan
Network 3000 Publishing
3432 Denmark #108
Eagan, MN 55123
(612) 616-0732

Article photos appear under license with istockphoto/Eyejoy and istockphoto/mario13.

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