"Not with YOU..."
by Kevin Hogan
They arrived in my suite on the French Riviera. They had told me they wanted my "advice about a new business project."
The bad news is that dispensing free advice is rarely something that turns out well because the vast majority of people simply don't act on it. BUT, this group of four included a key figure in my next major live event.
I smiled as I opened the door.
I was pretty wiped out and asked them to dispense with most of the pleasantries. I gave everyone a Coca Cola Light and sat and listened.
(Here's the Short Version of 40 minutes of madness.)
"You'll make a great figure head for this new travel MLM program. You travel a lot and you'll save a fortune on your trips and everyone who sees you live will want to be in your downline simply because you are at "the top."
"I rarely pay for my own travel...I don't need to be on top."
The woman (interpreter) who spoke laughed as she presented the groups idea. It was lost on the other three international folks.
I like all of these people. They simply didn't understand that pitching someone in their hotel suite
under a disguised pretense is not how you run a real business or a relationship or anything that matters in life.
"Guys here's the deal. I love you all. If I sell something I have to have certainty about it, which is why I sell very little other than a Kevin Hogan created event, program or product. There's no control over this kind of a business. Making money is fine. I see the money. I also don't care about the money. Someone who likes being on top will eventually do something to screw up the company and people like me in the public eye end up paying a price. This is not about you. It is not about the concept. It's a great idea. It's simply something that has risks I can't control. For the very reason I'd make a fortune with your program, I put myself at risk in ways that I just don't do."
They were so sad. Not angry. They were HURT. Seeing their faces put ME in PAIN.
I felt GUILTY.
I felt like I let them all down.
I felt sad inside because I crushed their dream of having me be a figure head for their business.
I hate saying, "no," but I have to as much as anyone, especially when the request is potentially harmful to me, my business, people I love.
They left very disappointed and after the door closed, I imagine they expressed very few positive feelings about ME as they found their way to the lobby and out the door to their car.
They felt REJECTED.
and... I FELT REJECTED AS WELL!
They had been rejected. It's hard to express anything but disappointment, sadness or anger when it happens right next to another person. This wasn't ONE ON ONE. This was FOUR PEOPLE who are believers in THEIR COMPANY AS WELL AS KEVIN HOGAN.
Rejection is very complex. I rejected them, but that rejection was not meant to be. I rarely put myself in a position where I have to reject someone. Had they told me why they were really coming to visit, there would have been no drama.
Face to face rejection is one of the most difficult of life experiences.
One of the reasons online business is so popular is that rejection just doesn't hurt in cyberspace like it does face to face.
In the real world, including my suite, rejection REALLY hurts.
Reacting to the cutting pain of rejection is as natural as responding to the pain of a cut or burn.
It is instantaneous. Unfortunately, you can heal 50 cuts and burns in the time it takes you to get past one personal rejection.
The brain registers both rejection and "physical pain," in pretty much the same way, with one exception. Personal rejection includes all levels of pain, emotional, social, physical. Physical pain is generally not personal, about the person or their IDENTITY. The duration of rejection can be almost never ending where physical pain tends to heal pretty quickly.
Now, stop and think for a second:
After the instant reaction of pain, what happens next is fight, freeze or flight.
They hurt. They ran in less than 3 minutes after I said, "no." Alternatively they could have frozen or defended and argued. They had never heard my rationale so they had no preparation for a counter attack.
10 Actions Often Used to Defend against the Pain of Rejection
Some of these are brilliant strategies. Some are dangerous and unwise. Use those that
do no harm to others and help you get stronger.
Print this page of the article out on paper and then LITERALLY circle the ones that resonate most closely with you. (Or, just read the thing and let it do you virtually no good, either is fine...) You'll come back to this later; and you'll be making some changes...
1. Searching for Clarity
You want to find out what you've done. You want to understand why you have been rejected so that you can fix it. "Tell me what I did so I can fix it and I won't do it again, I promise."
Here's the way this manifests:
- "What did I do wrong?"
- "What did I say?"
- "Is it because I'm not good looking?"
- "Is it because there is someone else?"
- "Is it because you already have another provider for your insurance?"
2. Seeking Forgiveness
"I'm sorry, please forgive me, it won't happen again, I promise...I will make it up to you..." For most, this is your natural response to make everything return to normal - hoping the feelings of profound pain will soon vanish.
This one manifests in many different scenarios as well:
- "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to offend you...give me another chance..."
- "I didn't mean that, please understand..."
- "I'm sorry you misunderstood what I was saying..."
- "Please don't hold this against me..."
3. Defensive Ostracism
Since they have hurt you, you will conspire to get rid of them. It can be as simple as booting them out of YOUR circle of friends. The reaction/response can be more complicated stuff like getting them fired or things you really shouldn't do because they fall deep into the vengeance territory. Tit for Tat.
Your profound pain will now be equalized. They shot you now you will shoot back. Problems do happen when they use weapons as opposed to words. But always remember that rejection is PROFOUND PAIN and that you should always anticipate profound pain in return for issuing profound pain.
Point of Self Realization: Revenge doesn't make your pain reduce, but it gives you a sense of justice. Therefore the pain persists but inflicting pain equal to what you just received assures the other person understands what they did to you.
Now write this down. In the next series of articles I will show you specifically how to get revenge without doing damage of any kind to the other person. Justice helps begin the healing of rejection.
Those are three of the more common categories of reaction to rejection, but you'll recognize these, as well...
The Rejection Fix: Page | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 |
Network 3000 Publishing
3432 Denmark #108
Eagan, MN 55123
Article photos appear under license with istockphoto/Eyejoy and istockphoto/mario13.