Influence: Being Assertive
Without Being a Jerk
by Kevin Hogan
This set of memories has stuck with me a long time.
When I first started doing public events about my book, Irresistible Attraction, for whatever reason,
I ran into a LOT of people who were taking "Assertiveness
Training" of one kind or another. Probably a function of the times. Or maybe
Boeing and Microsoft were doing these gigs then. I don't know....Anyway...
"Assertiveness Training" often transformed normal
and otherwise talented and intelligent individuals into complete
idiots. 
I began asking about the strange behavior of people which I observed and they
often proudly shared their experiences.
Had I not been told, I would have been led to believe that people
were doing "How to Be a Jerk Training," a specialization which
for millenia was reserved only for men. A majority of the people taking
lessons (at least those who were visiting with me after events)
in what they called "Assertiveness," were women.
Just what the world needed...more people behaving like men....
Body Language, Tonality & Attitude
What was the give away? It was in their body language,
tonality, and attitude.
What people were/are often looking for is "justice" or "revenge"
instead of "being heard" and "being significant" and worthy of
input.
Often, but not always....
The problem that people who fail to assert themselves run into,
is that they confuse assertion (having a voice) with aggression
(bullying and/or gaining revenge).
The difficulty a lot of women face is that they believe that
if they act like men, they will be more respected and feel better
about themselves.
The research shows this is not the case.
The fact is that assertiveness and aggression have little if anything
to do with each other ...OK, they both start with the letter "A" in English....
And the research is clear, women who appear aggressive actually
are much less respected by both men & women, so women lose twice.
I wonder if Hillary Clinton may not be the Democratic nominee for President in part because of this...just a thought...not a fact...OK...
Assertion is about "putting forward" an idea or thoughts and
feelings when logical and appropriate.
Neither gender does this particularly well, so real assertiveness
trainings are probably a good idea...for everyone.
And it's not that people are "passive" or "aggressive" because
once again, you're in a different realm there with this terminology.
(Watch how your internal reaction kicks in: I'll use a stereotypical
example to illustrate the notion.)
To read the scenario, turn the page...
Continue: Page | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 |
Kevin Hogan
Network 3000 Publishing
3432 Denmark #108
Eagan, MN 55123
(612) 616-0732
