Getting What You Want in Life:
It Sounds So Easy...So Why Doesn't It Usually Work Out That Way and What Can YOU Do?
By Kevin Hogan
1. Key Point: Fear is not a conscious decision. You simply are fearful. And you probably SHOULD BE wisely cautious when undertaking new projects.
2. Key Point: Only a conscious decision can cause you to overcome fear.
So you start to think and wonder…
And that’s the problem – you simply don’t KNOW. You have no idea if navigating the room is a walk in the park and the easiest money you’ll ever make …or if it’s something that will threaten your life, injure you, or frighten you.
So what happens? You think about the size of the reward, and then you play that against the dangers that possibly await you. Is it a big enough reward for you to take a risk? Or... since the unknown is frightening, do you waive your right to the reward by playing it safe?
Sometimes you resist change and a possible reward because you don’t know what it will take to reach that reward. The familiar (staying in the well-lit room) is SAFE.
You may not get the reward …but neither do you have to take any risks.
No risks usually means no unpredictable disasters based on experience (even though there could be a disaster waiting to enter the well lit room that your mind doesn’t consider!!)
And so you get stuck.
You want to lose weight, start a business, write a book or do any other number of things. But you become afraid to open that door and walk into the dark and unknown. You may not be happy where you’re at, but at least familiarity is seemingly safe.
What’s the Secondary Gain?
A second cause of fearing change is that you’re receiving some sort of benefit – a payoff – for remaining in the muck.
Think of the person in the hospital. They hurt. They just had surgery. But heck, maybe the nurse was bringing the person food and drink whenever they needed it...and then wanted it. That kind of instant service feels pretty good!
It's not as if someone says to themselves, "hey let's have lots of surgeries so we can get food at the push of a button." BUT it is
a secondary level benefit that someone gets that often drives their behavior at an unconscious level. Rarely do people think about this stuff consciously and no one wants to stay in the hospital. This person simply likes the secondary benefit of on demand service.
…the “starving artist” who says he wants to be rich and famous …but it seems his life is in shambles and he "can’t get a break." Out of his misery springs great art – and soon he has the social reputation among friends of being a “tormented soul” and no public reputation at all…and a house filled with his own art….
The problem is that he believes that being poor and in misery is the only way he can keep making great art (and his reputation says as much, too). That means he’s getting a psychological (identity) pay-off for staying in the starving artist rut.
Take a second to think about something that you get, that is comforting in some way, that seems like an exchange for a serious problem.
The person who is sick gets sympathy for example. It's an irrational trade of course.
What benefits are you receiving for remaining in the status quo and not doing something or moving in some direction that would give you much bigger benefits in life, relationships, etc?
You've probably figured out that "secondary gain" is instrumental in self sabotage!
The brain can be a wonderful thing...it can rapidly drive one to achieve or cause one to stumble...or BOTH!
Now what will YOU REALLY do? ...
Here's the answer...: Page | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 |
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