"Does he force you to have sex when you don't want to?"
"No, what kind of a weird picture are you painting?"
"Does he humiliate you in front of your friends and your family?"
"No, of course not. I mean every now and then he says something stupid, but no, of course not."
"Does he come home drunk or drugged up more than once a month?"
"He comes home drunk once every five years. These are stupid questions."
"Do his friends know who you are? Do they think good things about you, or do they think you are a bitch?"
"No. All his friends like me."
"And all of your friends like him, right? Meanwhile, he's telling them you're a good person?"
"I guess. Never really thought of that. My Dad doesn't like him."
"He has to like him unless you told him negative information. They never see each other. And his friends like you because he tells them good things about you. Otherwise, they wouldn't like you. Not to difficult. Ever wonder how many men do that?"
"I thought we were on the jerk side."
"We are. I just can't find anything else. You keep saying, 'no, no, no' to everything. What about the kids. Does he beat them?"
"No, of course not."
"Does he tell them they are worthless, that they should shut up around adults, that they don't deserve what they have?"
"No. You know that. This is ridiculous."
"Well, what else do you want to put on the jerk side? We have the TV on Sunday, that he smiles when you come home and that he's ignorant and disrespectful of your feelings and somehow mean when you've put in a long day, particularly on Saturdays...oh, and he thinks he knows everything and that you are an idiot."
"That's plenty. Wait, when things go wrong he blames me sometimes. Like if a drain backs up, it's my hair that backed it up."
"Is that true?"
"Well, probably, but the point is that he's not a plumber, he doesn't KNOW that so he shouldn't be blaming me and he does it for other stuff, too."
"OK, we'll add "blames you for stuff.' Any thing else?"
"What does there have to be something else? He's disrespectful."
"How was he disrespectful again? I didn't write that down."
"He makes me feel stupid and I feel like an idiot."
"He tells me that his way is the right way to do dishes?"
"What causes that?"
"He's a Mr. Know-It-All."
"The dishes come out water stained and he thinks I've done it wrong."
"What happens when he does dishes?"
"I don't know, he puts them away before I can look at them."
"How else does he make you feel stupid?"
"He talks down to me?"
"That sounds mean. Like how?"
"I don't know, he'll say stuff like, 'Did you start the chicken yet?," as if I don't know when to start the chicken?"
"And why does he do that?"
"I have no idea, maybe he's working on a project. He's just being a jerk."
"Got it. OK, now I want you to put all of this on one big piece of paper and we are going to figure out whether you grab the kids and hit the road or not."
"Thank god. You are a nightmare to talk to. Where did you learn to do this, anyway?"
"In therapy and in a class on thinking."
"Figures. OK what do you want me to write down?"
On the left side, we'll call it the jerk side. On the right side, we'll call it the OK guy side. On the top we'll call the paper "Should I stay or should I go."
"Wasn't there a song? OK...got it."
STEP L: Prepare a "pro con" list as we did last time, but leave plenty of space for extra notations.
"Now, write down the things we talked about."
Should I stay or should I go?
Jerk OK guy
Arguments Loves kids
TV monopoly Loves me
Blames me for stuff Avoids typical male behavior
Knows everything/idiot (drunk, drugs, fidelity)
Treats kids well (not same as loves)
Random Acts of Kindness
Do stuff together
Public Respect for family and friends
"OK, now we can figure out if he's a jerk and if it's time to book a train ride."
"There's too many things on the good guy side."
"Doesn't matter. We aren't adding them up. You might still hit the road. On a scale of 1-10, 10 being SUPER IMPORTANT, 1 being it doesn't matter much, write down next to each quality how IMPORTANT this characteristic is to you. Not how good HE is at it, but how important it is to YOU. Got it? In other words, you're going to go to Target and buy your ideal guy, how important are these things."
STEP M: Each factor has a different degree of importance in the decision. How important is each factor. Determine that NEXT.
Should I stay or should I go?
Jerk OK guy
10 Arguments 10 Loves kids
8 TV monopoly 10 Loves me
9 Blames me for stuff 10 Avoids typical male behavior
10 Knows everything/idiot (drunk, drugs, fidelity)
10 Treats kids well (not same as loves)
7 Random Acts of Kindness
7 Do stuff together
9 Public Respect for family and friends
"Nope. Now I want you to write down how bad on the jerk side and how good on the OK guy side he is. So if he has tons of arguments, write down 10. If there are only a few, then write 1. On the good side, if he loves the kids as much as anyone could. He gets a 10. If he hates the kids he gets 0. Make sense...put an x between the two numbers so we can keep them straight."
So what is the decision?: Page | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 |