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Excerpt from Irresistible Attraction by Kevin Hogan. Available now from all major booksellers!

Attraction for the Rest of Us

Kevin Hogan

There are 10 proven strategies and behaviors that increase your attractiveness to others and only one of these 10 has to do with your physical appearance! But can YOU be IRRESISTIBLE?!

Focus On Others?

What really gives you the charismatic edge over others is your ability to focus your attention toward other people. Learn to become fascinated by other people, their life experience and their work. This is a trait that people find simply irresistible.

Coffee. istockphoto/kupicoo People’s eyes will gloss over when they hear what we call “I” language. When someone drones on about their successes and failures, their opinions and attitudes without gaining a similar amount of disclosure from others, they rapidly lose their “face value.” When people talk without consideration for the thoughts of their communication partner, we say they are using, “I” language. They are simply talking about themselves and nothing else. Successful communication happens when people share equally about what is interesting and exciting to them. It entails learning more about what other people think and seeking additional information about other people’s points of view.

The idea of bringing your attention to that of others is something that takes “getting used to.” It’s not always easy to really listen, understand and expand on what another person is talking to you about. The best habit you can develop is the avoidance of “me too” phrases. In other words when someone says,

“I just got back from Mexico,”

 You don’t say, “I’ve been to Mexico too!”

(They don’t care…yet.)

Instead say, “Really? Where did you go?”

“Ixtapa.”

(You’ve been there by the way…)

“Wow, what did you like about Ixtapa?”

“Oh, the beaches are unbelievable…”

Now you can share your excitement. “I was there a few years ago and thought it was incredible. (Now direct the conversation back to the other person!) What did you get to do down there?”

Get Them Talking About You You could have told all about your trip, your adventures, told them how beautiful the beaches were, but that’s what every boring person on earth does. People with charisma re-direct the conversation back to the other person so they can help the other person feel the fullness of the experience they are sharing. This is what focusing on others is all about. 

Here is another example of keeping the focus on the other person when the temptation is to compare their experience with yours.

 

“I had a terrible day.”

(You could say, “Me too, I got into a car accident.”)

“Really, what happened?”

“My boss yelled at me and made me feel two inches high.”

(You could say, “No big deal, ignore him.” Or “Who cares what he thinks.”)

“What an idiot. What got into him?”

“I don’t know, he is normally a nice guy but he was so mean today.”

(Pursue the experience one more time.)

“So, what did he say?”

“He said that I was mis-treating customers. What an idiot.”

“You wouldn’t do that would you?”

(And on it goes…)

The temptation to compare this experience with one of yours is enormous. By avoiding the comparison and keeping your attention on the other person they begin to find you charismatic because they get to feel the fullness of their emotions.

Talk about Their Interests

Burnout. istockphoto/eyewave People become bored quickly if they are engaged in communication about something which they know nothing about. On the other hand, people find it stimulating when they find a kindred spirit or at least an eager listener.

A useful overgeneralization is that men are interested in sports and women are not. Most women only follow sports to the degree they can’t whisk the remote control from the hands of the males she is nearby. Therefore, it makes little sense to engage the majority of women in World Series and Super Bowl history. Similarly, the vast majority of men wouldn’t recognize an astrological chart or a Meg Ryan movie it hit them in the face.

What does get people’s energy up is when someone listens to them talk about what fascinates them most. Think of your favorite hobby, your favorite movie or TV show. Don’t you just get “juiced” when someone will listen to you get excited about this? The people who really listen and get curious about our interests are those that we are attracted to the most.

It takes a sincere desire to become interested in some things! Your obvious interest in learning more about something they care deeply about is an instant-rapport building experience that could link two people together forever!

Keep These Off The Table!

Some subjects simply need to be left off the table early in any kind of relationship. Other subjects are OK to broach but certainly could be more gently broached.

Live Your Life. istockphoto/EHStock Men of course have absolutely no interest in a woman’s past or current husbands, male friends and dating habits. It is simply not in the male psyche to listen to women discuss other men in any positive fashion. Men would rather discuss movies starring Diane Keaton than hear about past and present “other male experiences.”

Women are not that excited about hearing about a man’s previous relationships either, but there is some amount of interest here that men do not experience. Women have a certain element of curiosity about a man’s relationships that men do not typically.   Women “dig deeper” than men do when trying to evaluate them. Nevertheless, men would find it wise to leave these topics off the table unless prodded by a woman.

Men tend to make mistakes early in relationships by disclosing too much direct information about their “resources.” Women want to know this kind of information but they don’t want it in print on a resume. Women want to dig a little to get information, or, at least be offered bits of a man’s resume.

Instead of telling a woman what a man’s net worth is, he can disclose, for example, that he travels regularly, and let the woman discover more. It makes the journey more interesting and avoids being so “in your face.”  Women like discovering secrets and if a man can withhold just a bit more than he has a tendency to, he can create stronger desire in a woman. This happens as a woman discovers bit by bit of information. However, as any fantasy role playing game player will tell you, part of the fun is being stopped at apparent dead ends, only to be given the magic words or key later. In short, taking your time in self-disclosure can be immensely helpful.

Look Appropriate to the Setting

A sport coat and tie probably is a poor choice of attire at a basketball game unless you are the coach. Jeans are probably out of the question at a nice restaurant.

To always be dressed in one style of clothing makes little sense if you want to appear attractive to those around you. The key really lies in being appropriate to the setting. It’s not that you want to be just like everyone else, but there is one fact that always rings true in attraction, and that is “like attracts like”. Dressing to the norm of the community, the office, the environment doesn’t mean that you are just like everyone else inside, it means that the first time people see you they see a little bit of themselves. That can be a valuable asset!

I hosted an event for an organization where single people would meet and mix with each other. I was wearing a coat and tie. I assumed that everyone coming to the event would want to be “dressed to kill.”  I was shocked when approximately half of the men showed up with messy hair and looking like they just got out of bed! I said nothing of course, but I was wondering what the thought process was walking out of the house for some of these people. I then really understood that there is yet another area that personal coaching has not yet addressed: Be aware of your self and those around you.

Care about Each Person in the Room

The “stuck up person” is the one with their nose in the air. They clearly couldn’t care less about anyone but themselves and sadly this is how they will end up in life. The qualities of empathy, caring, concern and genuine interest are keys to attracting high quality people. Those people who are truly attractive to others have learned how to not only focus externally but to develop a fondness for other people, especially those in proximity to you. When you are around other people do you find yourself opening doors for others? Do you perform random acts of kindness for people daily?

Kindness is something that is hard to compete with, with any other asset. People who are kind are often seen as the most charismatic. Remember Princess Diana and Mother Theresa. These were two people of very different physical appearance and age. These two people sincerely cared for other people and their depth of love and expressiveness earned them a special place in our hearts. How do you develop kindness and empathy for others?

The best answer is to actually engage in the activities that others appreciate. Do the little things to make the lives of other people easier. You will always be at the top of other people’s list when you do.

Personal Mastery

Self confidence is a trait that all people are attracted to. Self confidence coupled with competence yields an obvious sense of personal mastery.  The person with personal mastery has a fascinating mix of humility and pride that allows one to be certain and self-assured.

Kevin Hogan Persuasion Expert Personal mastery in a man is something women are drawn to like a magnet. There are few other traits that create a sense of certainty in a woman about a man other than his personal mastery. The reason is simple. If a man has competence and self confidence he can probably do anything in life and give her most anything she will desire. Competent people still have the ability to ask questions and learn. Not knowing the answers to all of life’s questions means they still have a humility about them that is apparent. However, there is more: The competent person has learned breadth and depth about the areas he or she is excellent in. The person with a sense of personal mastery is someone who has no need to make others “wrong.”

People with personal mastery know exactly where they are in life and they know where they are going. They have no delusions about themselves or others. They know that it takes a unique combination of hard work and wisdom to achieve in life. People with personal mastery never have the answers to life’s questions but they ask great questions. They have great flexibility in their behavior and in their communication with other people.  They obviously have a high level of awareness of the world around them.

Making Other People Feel Good

Kevin Hogan People who make other people feel good are not only helping others, they are helping themselves. When we see someone perform random acts of kindness we see more than just a person, we see the highest good in our culture. Making other people feel good is something that anyone can learn to do and something that everyone should engage in.

Little things tend to make people feel good. Simple positive comments about something as simple as a pin or the choice of clothing can make a person’s day. A few kind and believable words about a presentation at a meeting or how someone handled themselves in a difficult situation bring appreciation and escalates rapport. Everyone likes to hear something good about themselves. We all need positive strokes from others and we rarely get these messages we so desperately crave.

It doesn’t take much to bring out the best in other people. Too much flattery can be insincere and ineffectual. A few well-phrased words can go a remarkable distance in creating powerful attraction.

Enthusiasm’s Power

Gift. istockphoto/cclickclick What could be the single most important characteristic in charismatic people is that of enthusiasm. There is something that ignites passion in other people when we watch a person who is excited about what they are talking about. The word enthusiasm stems from the Greek,  “en-tae  theos,” or “god within us.” There is a certain “spirit” or “aura” that seems to fill people that are truly excited and passionate about their lives.

Almost everyone is captured by controlled enthusiasm. Enthusiasm that is frenetic can be exciting for a moment but not for extended periods of time. Controlling your enthusiasm however, makes you smile and almost bubble with vitality.

Enthusiasm is sometimes experienced when we are with someone who brings out the best in us. It also is an internal response to having goals and desires that we are working toward fulfilling. People who know where they are going in life seem to captivate the atmosphere when they enter a room. You can be this person if you begin to think about where you are going in life and consider the steps you are going to take to get there. Do you have a clear vision of where you want to be in life? If so, you are instantly more attractive to everyone around you!

Be Healthy

People who are vibrant and attractive to others are those that have sound mental and physical health. If you don’t, go see a medical professional to help you get there. For most people, it’s fairly easy to improve your health. Taking simple steps like losing weight, quitting smoking and eating more fruits and vegetables improve your physical appearance. Doing these simple things also helps you have more energy and makes you feel better. When you feel better you are more exciting to be with for others.

I’ve learned the hard way over the years that balance is important. You must work hard but you must also get the rest your body needs to recharge its batteries. Some of the things I notice people could do to help themselves include drink less alcohol, avoid non-prescription drugs and see their medical doctor far more regularly.

Did you know that people who see their M.D. regularly live longer? It’s true. The reason is simple of course. You see your doctor and you keep your body in tune just like seeing your car mechanic for maintenance keeps your automobile in tune. If you are healthy, you find you have energy and people are attracted to and by your energy. If you are sick you can’t be your best you.

Develop Certainty

Kevin Hogan Influence Expert Constantly self educate your self. The more you know, the more you can share other people’s favorite experiences. Become a voracious reader, travel if you can and learn from audio and video about your areas of interest. As you become more knowledgeable about various subjects, people seek you out for ideas and advice because you are an expert. Experts also know how to be wrong, and how important admitting to being wrong can be. They also know that people search them out because of the confidence that their certainty brings them. People with certainty about who they are and where they are going are magnificently exciting to be with. We are inspired by their focus and their quest. Certainty is not arrogance. Certainty is an almost faith-like conviction that someone experiences about her path in life.

People who have this sense of certainty are easy to spot. They take an enormous amount of action toward their goals and objectives in life. They have faith in themselves and see almost every experience in life as moving them closer to where they are going.

People who learn more about the areas of their personal excellence are fun and interesting to be with. They are the do-ers in the world. They learn and they apply what they learn into their lives because they KNOW they will succeed.

Orientation to Action

Very little is more exciting to us than being with people who make things happen. Action oriented people are extremely attractive to all of us. Everyone likes to be with someone who can make something out of an idea or a thought. Action oriented people make lots of decisions, many of them wrong, but they are constantly moving and that creates energy.

Maybe what is most attractive about people who take action in all facets of life is the fact that they have overcome procrastination and general inertia. People who take action are perceived by others as successful (or potentially successful) and that is one perception that causes attraction!

Examples of people in motion are people who like to play various sports, people who do work they love and those who make decisions then follow through on them. The motion needs to be focused however. A person who moves but gets nothing done is not interesting to be around. The action that people take must be directed and focused.

Personality Plus

Kevin Hogan Personality does matter. We all tend to admire and be drawn to certain personality traits and driven away from others. There are many characteristics that blend to create a fantastic personality. Let’s look at four of the cornerstone traits: Tolerance, a sense of humor, sincerity and flexibility.

People who have a tolerance of others tend to be more charismatic. Tolerance doesn’t mean that a if a person approves of criminal behavior that they are tolerant. That is stupidity. Tolerance means that differences are perceived as nothing more than differences between people.

Most people are also drawn to people who have a sense of humor. A person who can laugh at himself is someone who might be a lot of fun to be around. Anyone can make fun of someone else, but to be able to be self-effacing with style is something that is admired. People who can make light of somewhat difficult events can draw the attention of many others.

Sincerity means a lot to people. Women almost equate sincerity with long term commitment which is what most women biologically need. Sincerity is not always easy to manifest in relationships because of the very different ways that men and women think. People of both sexes admire those people who can be upfront about who they are and what they feel when it comes to the long term.

Flexibility is the trait of adaptability, which is of course what life is all about. The person who can adapt the best to changing circumstances is usually the most successful or effective individual in any given situation. People admire flexible people and find them enticing to be with.

The Talking Body

Some people just sit there when they talk. Their eyes don’t light up, their hands never leave the table, their voice never rises or falls. They are not attractive, not interesting and not going to be the focus of anyone’s attention.

People who are exciting, intense and fun, move. The most charismatic people of the 20th century were people like Elvis Presley and Marilyn Monroe. When they moved the world watched.

Does your face move when your mood changes? Does your body move as you become excited? If not, start paying attention to the people who are drawing the attention you desire and see what they are doing right!









Kevin Hogan: Influence, Persuasion, Wealth Building

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